Book of Useful Phrases When Meeting Alien Raiders From Outer Space

By all indications from the movies we are sooner or later going to be invaded by an alien species from outer space which has nothing more on its mind than to annihilate humankind on some otherwise sleepy Tuesday afternoon.

Why? Who’s to say.

Perhaps some deep-seated Freudian thing, perhaps simply on a whim, perhaps ‘acting out’ as I believe it is called, which as I understand it means giving physical form to internal discontents.

In these narratives it is always presumed that we will overcome this invasion with our usual aplomb or that these interstellar marauders are undone by our friends the microbes, some substance in the atmosphere that we are immune to but they are not, or something in our diet, like MSG.

They may, alternately, be what used to be called aesthetes, devotees of culture who give themselves over to the aesthetic experience, who merely take one look at our popular entertainment and fall over dead.

Regardless, these movies and novels I refer to as my sources, true to dramatic form, always bring the action around to the ultimate victory of the human race. At the end of the day the only question that remains is how to haul off all the gigantic carcasses now littering our streets and scenic landscapes.

But what if it doesn’t work out that way? What if indeed these monstrous overlords actually beat us fair and square and, well, there they are? There they are! Walking around among us, breathing our air, somehow or other having to be accounted for.

We pride ourselves on our ingeniousness in general and our agile preparation for untoward events in particular, but tell me then where are the books of useful phrases that the ordinary citizen might use in such a circumstance?

Look in the languages section of the bookstore, and you will find that phrasebooks abound, for instance, for novice travelers to Europe.

You may phonetically learn how to ask the way to the train station or the nearest restaurant in Berlin; how to order your meal in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower without giving away your tourist status; how to compliment the native on the scenery, climate, or sewage collection system he or she enjoys in their home country.

It is unlikely that any native speaker is fooled by your halting delivery, but it is to be supposed that they appreciate the effort you have gone to in order to cross the language divide. It is a respectful gesture and demonstrates good will and a studious attitude.

So it is with invading alien marauders intent on incinerating the natives of earth.

I will say that the roles in this case have been reversed, and we are the natives and they are the visitors, but the concept remains the same.

Let us survey the situation.

On the surface these alien marauders seem to have no interest in connection.

Reaching across the species categories to bring about an era of the brotherhood of man, or better put, the brotherhood of man and winged serpent-like-beings-except-for-the-parts-of-them-that-more-resemble-hostile-praying-mantises, isn’t on their list of things to do that afternoon.

What they really want to do, and they keep driving this point home, is to lay waste to the planet and all its inhabitants.

With fire issuing from the beaked maw of their throbbing ghastly heads or, alternately, from the ends of their tentacled fingertips – accounts and descriptions vary – they seem the very picture of aloof disinterest, much as Parisians are said to secretly view Americans. Or not so secretly.

To judge from the expressions on their faces, if you want to call their balled mass of pulsating tissue faces, they are disinclined to explore new relationships and all in all prefer to keep to themselves.

But isn’t that the way with all of us?

Doesn’t shyness play into the situation as well?

Isn’t the look of painful uncertainty awfully close to that of merciless rapaciousness?

Put yourself in their shoes, as is recommended to us by any credible book of etiquette.

They are likely it seems to be as open to a friendly query as any non-native speaker.

It is a uniquely vulnerable position they find themselves in – new planet, time-space-continuum-lag, perhaps a bit hungover, unsure if the local ATMs take your planet’s currency, or if they do if they absolutely ream you on the conversion — and anyone, or ghastly dripping thing I suppose is a better way to put it, can find themselves feeling alienated.

Well, they would, wouldn’t they? Feel alienated I mean.

I take as a starting point that somehow or other you have mastered the basics of the clicking, howling, insane chattering, endless shrieking, grunting, belching, flame-extruding, lava-dripping, and high-end frequency antenna-rubbing phonemes of these fine creatures’ language enough to get by in a halting manner.

Come on, man, put your mind to it. Ready to connect? So go ahead and talk to the ghastly throbbing pustule. Reach out!

Think to yourself what are some things you can say as a conversation opener that can put this good fellow at his ease?

This is where the phrasebook comes in handy. Pull it out of your back pocket and turn to a promising page.

The weather is always a safe topic. You can say, if it is a warmish day, “hot enough for you?”

You see, the type of chit-chat that you might find in the early innings of a cocktail party.

Sure it’s a little surfacey, a little lightweight. That’s not the point. The point is to move the conversation around the game board and get to the next square.

Now, if this creature hails from a frozen planet and our natural warmth comes as a surprise to him and he is now writhing in his death throes as steam rises off his twitching body….well, ixnay on the weather talk.

You have to read these situations, you see, and guide your own words accordingly.

If you get past the Fahrenheit thing and find that the conversation still has legs, or at the least, that you are still alive, there is always room for a touch of philosophy.

The going tone these days is rueful, a bit melancholy, a bit ‘sure there’s some disappointment in life, but isn’t the whole thing the fact that we’re in it together?’

“You and I, we’re not so different, are we?” you might say, though the facts of the matter belie your words a bit, seeing as how you’re a human being and he’s an enlarged slug spitting venomous juices from a range of orifices and, to boot, is as tall as the Chrysler Building.

“Cut adrift in a mindless universe, trying to make sense of it all? Are we not brothers at heart? Cannot we reach a hand out to each other, or in your case a tentacle ending in a clawed appendage, and make common cause?”

It must be said that this is the type of opening that either works or it doesn’t.

If you get eaten halfway through, you reach the sad conclusion that not every conversation gambit works. You win some, you lose some.

Presuming that you survive, your follow-up question pursues the same relaxed, friendly tone. You have made some progress in this conversation. Now ti is time to offer your new friend something of value, free and clear. Again turning to your trusty phrasebook, your words take a practical turn.

“Can I offer you some neighbors to eat?”

Something like that trips off the tongue with ease, and is entirely the type of thing that you might say to anyone intent on devouring any number of humans in its path. The point is to make sure it’s other humans, not you.

This demonstrates your intention to serve as a good host and a traitor to your species.

A follow-up question relieves the creature from making an immediate response. Remember how we talked about shyness as a factor in any exchange of thoughts between species?

“Can I offer you any salt and pepper with that?”

You go further, seeking to connect over the ordinary pleasures of life.

“Sometimes it’s the simple things that make for a great meal, and gets you over that drowsy hump in the early part of the afternoon. Say, fresh neighbors with just a touch of salt and pepper. Simple peasant food is often the best. Perhaps a workaday chardonnay off the happy hour menu to wash them down.”

This is the type of thing that is appreciated by the visitor and gets you noticed as a good envoy in the new universe that is opening up and may let you live another day.