Champion Listicle Craftsman Falls Into Desperate Circumstances

Journalism Today

Vexing, California – Jeremy Woodward, author of such classic, often seamy, and always idiotic lists such as “You Won’t Believe What These Nine Child Stars Look Like Now,” and “Seven Unusual Things Women Won’t Tell Men They Find Attractive,” was found living on the streets in this suburb of Los Angeles, babbling nonsensical phrases to anyone that walked by, such as “Ten Clues That Your Spouse Might be an Alien From Another Planet,” and “Eight Giveaways That You’re Among the Walking Dead.”

Upon revival, Woodward revealed that he had come to the point where he could no longer communicate in an ordinary human manner but could talk only in lists.

“Ten Signs That I Had Really Lost My Crap,” he noted, listing them all, and “You Know You’ve Reached Rock Bottom When People Say These Things About You.” Then he listed every single one — every single one — of those damned things as well.

“Fourteen Reasons That Listicles are Harmful to the Brain,” he continued, and “Listicle Craftsmen Have These Nine Serious Character Flaws.”

Somewhat plaintively Woodward asked for money and queried this reporter if he knew “The Ten Things That Tell You That You Have a Giving Heart” and when that failed, launched into “The Seven Signs of a Cheapskate, Could You Be One?”

Apparently what broke the man was devising the titles of any number of lists – “These Are the Signs of Non-Creative Non-Genius,” and “Eight Scenes From Classic Fairy Tales That They Didn’t Want You to Notice” – and then finding himself unable to come up with even a single item on any of the lists, or, as Woodward put it, “Eleven Signals That You Are Washed Up As a Listmaker and Perhaps as a Human Being.”

Woodward has put together a Go Fund Me page with the headline “Twelve Reasons Why It is Important to Keep Listicles Alive,” but as with his other recent failures, he has been unable to come up with even one single crapass thing to put on the list.