Godzilla's Job Interview

With unemployment at record lows, human resources departments are digging deeper into the labor pool and bringing unconventional candidates in for interviews.

HR Guy: Have a seat, have a seat, have a seat! It’s awfully good of you to come in on such short notice!

Godzilla: Hey, it’s good of you to call me in so quickly.

You have no idea what it’s like out there. You send your resume off and you never hear back, you just never...hear...back.

I could stand it if people were honest with me and told me that they didn't want to go with a prehistoric monstrous lizard unleashed by stray radiation who then goes on an epic destructive spree as part of his work history, leveling cities and what not, but they can’t even give you that courtesy.

HR Guy: We try not to do that here. Every applicant gets a fair shot with us. Now, I feel a little silly, it is two ‘l’s,’ right?

Godzilla: Exactly right.

HR Guy: And it’s just Godzilla. No last name? No middle name?

Godzilla: Right again.

HR Guy: Now, Mr. Godzilla, can you tell me why you think you would be a good match for our company?

Godzilla: Well, I’m passionate about my work for one thing and for another I want to get ahead, I’m just that type of monstrous lizard.

You see some of these other gargantuan creatures and they’re just treading water, the same old thing, flaming swords issuing out of their prehistoric pterodactyl throats, Giant Slug Things going every which way doing their slime thing, goodness knows why, all tactics and no strategy, just aimless Giant Slug Thing sliming; at least be professional, guys, have an end in mind! Where’s the personal growth in just slithering around? Where's the value-add?

I have a can-do spirit and I’m a team player. A problem-solver, I'd say. Show me a city that’s a problem and I’ll flatten it before the morning coffee break.

HR Guy: What kind of position were you hoping to get with us?

Godzilla: Whatever you have, my friend, whatever you have. I know I’m not supposed to say that, but I’m just trying to get my monstrous clawed foot in the door somewhere and prove myself.

HR Guy: I see, well that’s exactly the kind of spirit we like to see in the hallways. I see here that you list Excel, Word, PowerPoint in the current skills section. How about any other special skills?

Godzilla: Well, I have what I call an Atomic Ray, which I emit, in a manner of speaking, from my throat and mouth, eyes, and gargantuan nostrils all at once. Is that the kind of thing you mean?

HR Guy: Yes, of course, go on.

Godzilla: A single ray of that could devastate about a quarter of a medium sized city, if I do say so, that might come in useful for you.

I can also project a field of nuclear energy from my entire body, what I’ve heard some call a Nuclear Pulse. This not only wipes out all life within several hundred miles but, unusually, makes me stronger each time I do it. One of those things, go figure, who knows where it comes from, probably from my mother's side.

What else, what else...I’ve turned myself into a gigantic electromagnet now and again in my battles with other monstrous destroyers. They don’t usually see that one coming. I’m pretty much immune to all conventional human weaponry as well. That’s a bit of a distinction in today’s market, don’t you think?

HR Guy: Indeed it is. Can you recall for me a situation in your employment history that you think you handled particularly well, and one that you didn’t handle so well at all?

Godzilla: I’ll be honest with you, my projects usually turn out very well, I mean those cities are flattened. But let’s see….in the early days I used to swagger around quite a bit, swat my tail and take out a couple of city buildings just to establish a presence. You know what I call that now?

HR Guy: No, what?

Godzilla: I call that grandstanding. I call that showing off. I call that immature. Or maybe a better word is insecure.

I was a hothead if you want to know the truth, and it’s not something I’m proud of. That kind of jostling for position and seeing who outranks who in the boardroom just isn’t for me anymore. I think I’ve grown up a lot since then, that was just heavy-handed, I see that now.

I think now I just would have eaten a floor or two of a likely-looking office building and left it at that. But at that age you don’t know when enough is enough. Sometimes it takes a big gigantic ancient lizard to know when it's time to just walk away.

Of course, I’m big already, but you get what I mean.

HR Guy: Yes, of course. Very commendable. Tell me a little about yourself at the personal level. Do you have any hobbies? What do you like to do outside work?

Godzilla: Oh, flatten cities I suppose, even in my off  hours. It’s a bit of a lost art, I’d like to try to just keep the tradition alive.

HR Guy: I see this gap on your resume of about 2,000 years. Is there anything there that we ought to know about?

Godzilla: Well, that was beyond my control. At the time I was trapped in a massive lead-cased vault at the bottom of an undersea volcano. I had been put there by the gods of Ancient Greece.

HR Guy: My goodness, what for?

Godzilla: Who knows at this late date. Some disagreement or misunderstanding, I suppose. Maybe it was disciplinary in nature, some corrective action coming out of a performance review. I was young, that about explains it.

HR Guy: Man, the questions they make me ask these days. Let’s get these over with. If you could be an animal, which one would it be?

Godzilla: Well, I am an animal, so I suppose a good answer would be a monstrous gigantic lizard.

HR Guy: Very good, I just have to fill something in. Hoo boy, here goes, this is the world’s worst. If you could be a Disney character, which one would it be?

Godzilla: You know, that’s a pretty good one, I’ll bet actually you get some pretty interesting answers. Tell you what, I’ll go with Snow White, it always seemed she had a lot of class, I always thought I could learn something from her.

HR Guy: What’s your style in the workplace? How do you resolve conflict?

Godzilla: My goodness, situations are so different from one other, aren’t they? Well, let's see.

I’m a people person and like I say a team player, but if an example needs to be made of someone who isn’t pulling his or her weight I’ll go ahead and eat him. Not gratuitously mind you, but more like turning it into a teachable moment.

Like “Look, this has turned into a real career negative for this fellow I just gulped down my throat, I don’t want that to happen to you too. Don’t you see I want you all to succeed? But for that to happen I have to have your best effort.”

That type of thing, the old rah-rah, you know.

HR Guy: Nothing wrong with a little team spirit.

Godzilla: My point exactly.

HR Guy: Well, Mr. Godzilla, I’m not supposed to say anything directly, but I like what I’m seeing. I’m going to pass your resume on up the line and let's you and I make plans to talk in a week or so.

Godzilla: That sounds wonderful. Can you tell what positions you have in mind for me?

HR Guy: Oh any number of things occur to me just sitting here. Our sales force can use a little added motivation so something in sales management could be one avenue, getting those guys to make their numbers, light a fire under them so to speak.

Our Returns and Complaints counter has turned into a bit of a challenge in Customer Service, in fact that sounds like an even better fit. Yes, yes, I think you could do a lot of good for the company dealing with contentious customers. Engaging with them. Understanding their concerns. Eating them if that's indicated.

Godzilla: Any and all would suit me, just give me a chance to show you what I can do!

HR Guy: I don't want to jump the gun at this point of the hiring process, but I’ll say it anyway: welcome aboard, Godzilla!