All Fall Down
“Shawn, next up on the ice is the American from Montana, Jamie ‘Slick’ Duncan. This kid brings a lot of heart to everything he does.”
“Heart and confidence both, Dan. Look at him as he glides out onto the ice, if he isn’t the perfect picture of glowing self-confidence, I don’t know…oops, there he goes down on the ice.”
“I wouldn’t imagine he had been out there for a total of more than three seconds before he took that spill….whoops, there he goes again.”
“Well, there’s bound to be some nerves at play here – again he goes down, I see – and even the most seasoned performers can lose their rhythm and…yep, down he goes again.”
“This kid has a heart as big as all outdoors, just look at him on the ice – getting up from the ice, I mean – you can see that he has that good old American can-do – oh, there he goes again, that was a bad one – that good old American can-do spirit.”
“Shawn, what can we look forward to in this impressive young man’s program?”
“Well, if the opening seconds are anything to go by, I would say a lot of falling down.”
“No, I mean – oh, there he goes again, my goodness, that spill took him entirely from one end of the ice to the other, you know in a different kind of sport that would be impressive right there. No, I mean to say, what is the nature of his program and the elements he has incorporated?”
“I’m not exactly sure there’s a name for the elements that he has been incorporating so far. These might more correctly be referred to as anti-elements.”
“Anti-elements, Shawn? I’m not sure I’m familiar with the term.”
“As you know, Dan, the theory that there is more than one universe is more and more gaining acceptance among leading scientists.”
“Is that right, Shawn?”
“An important reference point – ooh, that one must have hurt, is his head still attached? – an important reference point, as I was saying, is that for every characteristic of our universe, there must be a corresponding and equal characteristic in this other universe that I speak of. And as to that last fall, all I can say is ‘ouch.’”
“I see, Shawn. So you suggest that in this other universe that you speak of, just as we have grace and beauty on the ice here, there is a corresponding anti-grace and beauty?”
“That’s the theory at least. And to judge by what we’re seeing on the ice this afternoon – ouch, there he goes again – there’s some merit to it.”
“Does his program have a title, Shawn? Oh, man, will you look at that? He looks a bit on the ice like a marionette that has had all its strings cut, doesn’t he?”
“That’s a good analogy, Dan, for what we’re seeing this game kid from Montana try to pull off. I’d say.”
“Excuse me, Shawn.”
“Yes, Dan?”
“Are we absolutely certain that they have ice in Montana?”
“Oh, they must. In fact, I’m sure they do. Oh, man, now that’s what I call a spill.”
“I was just wondering, this game young man looks like he is seeing it for the first time. Do you think it is what you would call regulation ice?”
“You raise an interesting point, Dan, could be, could be. I would have thought that ice is ice, but judging by the performance to date maybe they’ve got an entirely difference frozen substance up there, entirely different. That certainly fits what we’re seeing…oh, my God, is he OK?”
“Just look at that smile though as he gets back up. Well, as he gets back up again. Nope, that didn’t do it, there he is…nope, not quite yet, now we’re talking, yes, just look at that game smile on his face, all the confidence in the world. There he goes again.”
“Shawn, I agree but I don’t know why.”
“Don’t know why what? Why you agree with me, or why something else?”
“Why something else.”
“What something else?”
“You said he had all the confidence in the world, and I said...”
“Oh, I get it, then you said…”
“I don’t know why.”
“I’m not sure I do either, Shawn. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of basis for it.”
“Well, there’s no doubt that the kid – look out, you in the first row! My goodness, he’s taking people out like a NASCAR driver clipping off safety barrels – there’s no doubt that the kid with the smile as wide as his home state of Montana is off to a rocky start.”
“Would you really call it that, Shawn?”
“What, a rocky start? I don’t know if it could be rockier if a boulder landed on him.”
“No, I mean would you really call Montana – ouch, that one has got to hurt – that wide a state? I mean it’s no Texas.”
“You raise an interesting point, Dan, let’s get our statistics crew on that right away.”
“Speaking of statistics, Shawn, you’ve – there he goes again. And again. Yep, he’s down again – you’ve been around this sport most of your life. Have you ever in your life seen a competitor at this level – there’s a triple fall, you don’t see a lot of those – a competitor at this level so frequently, umm, fall?”
“I just can’t imagine it, Dan. If my reckoning is right, this young man with the brilliant smile and the ‘who says I can’t?’ attitude has fallen – there he goes again, hoo-boy, that one was a doozy – more in the opening moments of his ‘routine’ and I use that word advisedly, that the combined falls of every competitor on the ice in the last twenty or so Olympics.”
“I would imagine you could add to that total every competitor who has fallen over a hurdle, a high jump bar, a pole vault bar, in the stands, or in the parking lot outside, and not run any danger – oh, there he goes again – and not run any danger of contradiction.”
“Oh, here it is, his program, this kid with the big heart and no apparent talent, is called A Tribute to Dance.”
“I wonder if a better name for it, Dan, would be A Tribute to Gravity?”
“You are exactly right, Dan, and thanks for the correction. Oh, man, you get spinning around at that kind of velocity and then fall it’s like, it’s like….well, I can’t quite come up with the words...”
“It’s like when the lid comes off of your food processor while its chewing up vegetables and fruit and everything, and I mean everything, just everything gets thrown outward in a spinning manner in a display of the power of centrifugal force?”
“Thank you, Dan, that’s exactly the image. Oh, it looks like they’re heading out there to pull this game competitor off the ice…oh, no, what now? It looks like…”
“It looks like, Dan, that…”
“It looks like, Shawn, like the officials are going down themselves! They are just splayed across this ice like I’ve never seen.”
“Would you think, now this is just a theory, would you think that the game champion from the state as wide as his heart is emitting some sort of evil ray or force that exerts or impels extreme clumsiness upon its victims?”
“Dan, you may have something there. But look at that smile as the kid who doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘can’t’ looks around at the carnage.”
“I would wonder if we shouldn’t better say that he doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘can,’ Shawn.”
“Ooops, there goes the Zambini, it’s upended now too. And look at the people on the benches, and in the stands.”
“Falling like dominoes.”
“Dominoes is the exact image I was looking for. Oh, look at that beer man, he did a triple lutz on the way down the stairs before spilling out onto the ice. Inspiring work from what by all accounts is a complete amateur.”
“You know, there are certain women about whom it is said that not only are they charming in themselves but they are the cause of charm in others. Do you think that is something of what we’re seeing here?”
“A poetic thought, Dan, and it may apply indeed. Not only has the kid with the game attitude from Montana more or less given a clinic on how not to skate, he has been instrumental in draining the talent of everyone around him, including the simple ability to stand upright which has been a feature of our species for, oh, how long now, Dan?”
“Oh, any number of years, Shawn, hundreds I should say, Shawn, that’s another query we can get our statistics crew on. We’re gonna switch over to our people at the stadium where The March of Nations is taking place; apparently there is some problem there with everyone…everyone…”
“Falling down?”
“The exact words I was looking for, Shawn, falling down. For now, that’s it from the ice skating arena where we have just been privileged to…”
“Would you say ‘privileged,’ Dan? Wouldn’t something like ‘saddened’ be more exact?”
“You make a good point, Dan, where we have just been saddened to see one of the truly unbelievable performances in the history of the sport of ice skating.”
“There he goes again, Shawn.”
“Just look at that smile, would you?”
“And again.”
