Taking The Sense Out of Punctuation
Novice writers are often intimidated by the rules of punctuation, even by the whole notion of it. Why not just say what you think in the way you think best to say it?
This shows how little these people understand the basic motivation behind these friendly tools of good usage, which is to promote clarity of expression and to crank up the sales of books on punctuation.
Publishing is a tough game, my friend, and punctuation is one of those evergreen topics for books that rolls around every three-and-a-half years come hell or high water.
That is just the length of time it takes to forget that you have already read the first one, that you are neither deplorable nor exceptional as a punctuationeer but seem to get by, and yet to have the thought for the millionth time, ‘well, whatever it takes to punch up the old prose coming out of this damned typewriter, I’d better pay attention.”
‘Think about it,’ is the message in these books. And when you come right down to it you have to admit you wouldn’t even begin to be able to understand this sentence I am typing right now right here without a generous helping of punctuation ladled on like brown gravy over mashed potatoes to bring the meaning out
No one know where or when punctuation arose.
It is rumored that an elder of the ancient Sumerians invented punctuation but had a hole in his pocket so when he reached in to show the other guys at the bar his hands came out empty.
And that was that for the Sumerian kingdom as far as punctuation goes, and who’s to say, who’s to say? They seemed to get by all right for their allotted millennia.
Another leading theory is that these odd looking marks are actually pieces of type dislodged from an earlier alphabet, like crumbs at the bottom of a sleeve of saltines.
They have that look, don’t they? Like they used to be attached to some ornate letters of the alphabet or other that then got broken off in shipping.
These weren’t times when you could afford to waste things that you came across, and an early grammarian shook them out of the bottom of the package and said, ‘well, we may as well use these.”
Certain other tribe members said to this first fellow they should sprinkle them liberally on paragraphs like bacon bits on a nice freshly tossed salad, but he, this grammarian fellow that I speak of and others said, no, that that seemed arbitrary somehow and besides didn’t give enough room for scolding. These people were of a mind to develop a set of rules for their usage and see if they could get away with it.
And here we are.
It took the development of English to really propel punctuation to its current status.
At the heart of the matter are two constraints:
The English language, often referred to as one of the glories of the human experiment, is also a grab bag of strays, throwaways, discards, recalls, factory rejects, misunderstandings and mishearings, and frankly, mistakes, slathered in an oily bath of slipperiness, which left to its own devices will collapse into a heap at the bottom of the page. It is the type of language that needs all the help it can get to pull itself out of the mess it has found itself in.
You the writer really have nothing to say. A person in that situation does well to say it in as well-formed and presentable a manner as possible. With luck no one will notice the whole ‘nothing to say,’ thing.
You do well in these circumstances to think through some of the rhymes we all learned as children. Simple as they are, they are important learning tools for passing down knowledge through the ages. Remember:
I before E, sailor take warning
E before I, sailor’s delight
Attending to a few basic rules of punctuation – some call them laws, but that is only in a few states, and breaking them won’t result in actual jail time, only a hefty fine – should get you through in most circumstances.
Let’s get started.
First, line up all the punctuation marks that you want to use. Stock up! Reach into the bowl with both hands and take all you want! Consider them like poker chips that you are going to throw into the game.
Here, I shall show you my pot as an example:
;;;;
,,,,
…..
????
!!
This I would call a medium-sized pile to work with.
Now, find a naked paragraph that needs some punctuation before it can go out in public.
our solar system includes the sun and all the planets moons dwarf planets and asteroids that orbit around it the four planets closest to the sun include mercury venus earth and mars these inner planets are made of rock and metals they are quite small compared to the outer planets the four outer planets are called gas giants because they are made mostly of gases the outer planets include jupiter saturn uranus and neptune the most well-known dwarf planet in our solar system is pluto
The only rule is that you must use all your punctuation before you hand in your paper.
Now, close your eyes and fling all your punctuation at the paragraph and see which ones stick.
No, I’m just kidding, that would be ridiculous.
What you really want to do is to pour all your punctuation marks into a plastic container and affix a lid with a sprayer that a simple garden hose can attach itself to. The pressure of the water behind it allow you to spray the punctuation marks over the paragraph in an even pattern, pleasing to the eye.
If you insist on doing it the old fashioned way, I would say don’t use up all you punctuation marks on a single line or after a single word, as in the following:
our solar system includes the sun and all the planets moons dwarf planets and asteroids that orbit around it the four planets;;;;,,,,…..????!!closest to the sun include mercury venus earth and mars these inner planets are made of rock and metals they are quite small compared to the outer planets the four outer planets are called gas giants because they are made mostly of gases the outer planets include jupiter saturn uranus and neptune the most well-known dwarf planet in our solar system is pluto
This does not really contribute to the reader’s understanding, and besides, all the other words who get no punctuation at all will get out of sorts and start drifting off the page.
No, what you want to do is invent a sort of local ethnic ceremony that has you dancing around the paragraph like children around a Christmas tree, flinging punctuation in a festive manner like tinsel onto the evergreen branches.
.our solar system? includes the sun; and all the planets! moons dwarf planets.. and asteroids, that orbit, around it the four planets; closest to the sun include; mercury venus earth and mars these inner? planets are made. of rock and metals they are quite small? compared to the outer planets the four outer, planets are called gas; giants because they! are made mostly. of gases the outer. planets include jupiter saturn uranus and neptune the most well-known dwarf? planet in our solar system is pluto
See how nice it looks? Now do you get how important punctuation is to both the writer and the reader?
If this were a test situation the teacher working her way through the paragraph above would find the going pretty rough with every indication that there was worse to come.
At some point about halfway through she is apt to give up out of sheer exhaustion and give you a B-, which is quite a bit better a grade than you deserve.
In this manner we make our way through the educational system.
Oh, it just came to me, so I’d better mention it here so I don’t forget: don’t take your rules of punctuation from the cartoons! The rules are entirely different over there.
In the cartoons if you see three questions marks in a row followed by three exclamation points like this — ???!!! — it does not mean that you are somehow asking three questions of one person or asking the same question of three different people while shouting at the top of your lungs.
No, it means that the last thing that was just said by the other person is so far past belief that it is essentially beyond comprehension. This is allowed in modern usage only in political, sports. or marital conversations.
Likewise, if you see a series of punctuation marks like so: — ??!!##?$$!!!##?? — it does not convey that somehow or other a person has fallen asleep and slumped directly upon these various keys on the typewriter. No, it means that some small antagonist, a Tweety Bird, say, has managed to whack the thumb of a much larger antagonist, say, Sylvester the Cat, with a hammer that he has found lying around, and these are not punctuation marks per se but are the pain symbols being emitted by this throbbing thumb that I speak of.
And whatever you do, don’t repeat in polite company any utterance like the following – I am almost embarrassed even to type it — ##!!@@??##@##!! —for this is a very bad word indeed.
On a final note, let me point out that punctuation is closely related to grammar and one of the first rules of grammar, indeed, perhaps the most important, is to omit needless words.
If we were to take Herman Melville’s exploration in Moby Dick of the whiteness of the whale, which, believe it or not, is actually only ONE BIG OLD SENTENCE and somehow find a way to boil it down:
“Though in many natural objects, whiteness refiningly enhances beauty, as if imparting some special virtue of its own, as in marbles, japonicas, and pearls; and though various nations have in some way recognized a certain royal preeminence in this hue; even the barbaric, grand old kings of Pegu placing the title “Lord of the White Elephants” above all their other magniloquent ascriptions of dominion; and the modern kings of Siam unfurling the same snow-white quadruped in the royal standard; and the Hanoverian flag bearing the one figure of a snow-white charger; and the great Austrian Empire, Caesarian, heir to overlording Rome, having for the imperial color the same imperial hue; and though this pre-eminence in it applies to the human race itself, giving the white man ideal mastership over every dusky tribe; and though, besides all this, whiteness has been even made significant of gladness, for among the Romans a white stone marked a joyful day; and though in other mortal sympathies and symbolizings, this same hue is made the emblem of many touching, noble things- the innocence of brides, the benignity of age; though among the Red Men of America the giving of the white belt of wampum was the deepest pledge of honor; though in many climes, whiteness typifies the majesty of Justice in the ermine of the Judge, and contributes to the daily state of kings and queens drawn by milk-white steeds; though even in the higher mysteries of the most august religions it has been made the symbol of the divine spotlessness and power; by the Persian fire worshippers, the white forked flame being held the holiest on the altar; and in the Greek mythologies, Great Jove himself being made incarnate in a snow-white bull; and though to the noble Iroquois, the midwinter sacrifice of the sacred White Dog was by far the holiest festival of their theology, that spotless, faithful creature being held the purest envoy they could send to the Great Spirit with the annual tidings of their own fidelity; and though directly from the Latin word for white, all Christian priests derive the name of one part of their sacred vesture, the alb or tunic, worn beneath the cassock; and though among the holy pomps of the Romish faith, white is specially employed in the celebration of the Passion of our Lord; though in the Vision of St. John, white robes are given to the redeemed, and the four-and-twenty elders stand clothed in white before the great-white throne, and the Holy One that sitteth there white like wool; yet for all these accumulated associations, with whatever is sweet, and honorable, and sublime, there yet lurks an elusive something in the innermost idea of this hue, which strikes more of panic to the soul than that redness which affrights in blood.”
…you might come up with something like this:
“White’s kind of a funny color, you know? It’s not all good, that’s for sure!”
…and leave it at that. I mean, just leave it at that.
This will save on printer’s ink, and may even nudge that B minus up to a flat B.
