What Do You Get A Couple For Their 35 Minute Anniversary?
At a party a man, half of a handsome couple over in the corner, was pointed out by the hostess, who said with admiration, “See that man? He’s been married to the same woman for 35 years. Can you imagine? This day and age!”
It is a funny thing to say. Not the ‘this day and age,” I think I knew what she meant by that, and not the ‘can you imagine,’ ditto. These are verbal flourishes, similar to the ringleader at the circus twirling his cane to point in the couple’s direction.
No, what caught the attention was this business of him being married to the same woman for 35 years.
Why not just say married to that woman for 35 years? Or married to his wife for 35 years?
No, it’s important to her that I know it was the same woman for 35 years.
Puzzling or not, it struck me as altogether a better thing to hear than, “See that man? He’s been married to the same woman for 35 years.” She might pause here to take a sip of ginger ale. “That’s not her though.”
It struck me also as a better thing to hear than, “See that man? If you took the time to add them all together he’s been married for 35 years to a series of 17 women, for an average of 2.058824 years apiece. This day and age! Can you imagine?”
This, if nothing else, would have shown s a commitment to the institution of marriage itself. Wouldn’t a man who had lost faith in matrimony have stopped at #8 or #14?
I believe it would have caught my attention fully if she had said, “See that man? He’s been married for a total of 35 years to three women…..at the same time. Can you imagine? This day and age!”
This last one is a statement that rocks you back on your heels a bit, and leaves you uncertain whether to respond with a sad shake of the head, a slow silent whistle as you review the sheer logistics of the situation, or a furrowed brow as you consider that these fine women must be uncommonly absent-minded if the fellow was away long enough to manage two other marriages simultaneous with this one.
Well, some couples are that way though, you might muse to yourself on second thought.
They’re fine being in their own orbit and content that their spouse is in turn happy to be in his or her own orbit.
They do not require this incessant interaction that some people do. To them, that seems excessive and a sign of the over-communication that you see so much of these days. They are minimalists when it comes to the institution. Just a little dab will do them.
Let us listen in on a conversation as an example and I think you will see what I’m saying. He comes home, bangs the front door open and shouts up the stairs:
“Honey, I’m home! Got the milk and the baking soda, and a new bag of birdseed from the hardware store. What have you been doing while I’ve been out?”
“Well that took you long enough,” comes the chilly reply down the stairs.
These are not words, nor a tone, that any husband likes to hear. It calls for some deft handling.
“Well, traffic was backed up on Main and 18th for the 4th of July parade. And the checkout lines were kind of slow at the hardware store. I don’t think they really staff it like they should on the weekends down there. Couldn’t be helped.”
“Yes, except you went for that milk and baking powder and birdseed in late April.”
“Has it been that long? Had no idea.”
“I’ve been watching the calendar. Got it right here. Late April.”
“Sorry about that, chum, time must have got away from me.”
“I knew something was missing around here, now I remember what it was…it was you. Well, no matter. Did you get the bread?”
“No, you said milk and baking soda and birdseed. No mention of bread in the least. See, I’ve got the list right here.”
“Well I meant to tell you bread too, dang it. And get it from the bakery section not just off the shelf. I like those crusty French loaves.”
“Your wish is my command,” he says on his way out the door. “See you in a bit.”
“You’re a dear.”
Well, back to our topic. It is hard to know what people are seeking to convey with this 35 years to the same woman business.
It may be that they admire his sense of direction.
I suppose it’s possible for a man with no sense of direction at all to head home one night and end up at some house completely on the other side of town. When he walks through the door of a strange house and says “hello, honey, I’m home,” there is at least a small possibility that this lady’s husband also suffers from the same loss of a sense of direction and has landed at this first fellow’s house.
You’d be surprised how often things like this happen.
These are situations that lend themselves to quick improvisation, and I can see that in some circumstances the four people may simply shrug and stick with the spouse they now have in hand, and stop dreaming of yesterday. This constant harping on the past is obsessive behavior. Sometimes you just have to move on!
Perhaps these fine people who point out the fellow married to the same woman for 35 years are simply saluting the fellow’s focus and attention to detail.
It’s hard to know why someone would do such a thing, but if anyone had tried to substitute a lookalike or even robot wife in any of those weeks or months or years of the 35, this husband was on to them and having none of it.
Nope, it was the same woman the entire 35 years that he was married to. Bravo to him for his refusal to be easily fooled.
The nature of the feat would have a strong regional component to it.
It loses a bit of its force if you hear that he has been married to the same woman for 35 years if they had both just been rescued from a desert island where they had been stranded for 34 years, 51 weeks, and six days. Things can still change, and rapidly.
Too, if the party had been moved lock, stock, and barrel to Hollywood, you can as easily see the hostess pull the listener aside and direct his attention to the couple at the other end of the room. “They’ve been married for 35 days today. Can you believe it? This day and age!”
Everything is relative.
