Elation®
Talk to your health care provider to see if Elation® is right for you.
If you notice itching, rashes, your own sudden death, the sudden death of those around you, including the demise of pets or farm animals, or the sudden souring of milk upon your simple presence in the room, get in touch with your health care provider or go to the nearest morgue. The dosage may need to be adjusted.
Some patients on Elation® have been subject to clusters of lightning strikes and earthquakes. In some rare instances the earth has opened up into vast crevices at the feet of patients on Elation®. Others have been ‘spewed’ with lava from sudden volcanoes even in regions of the world where volcanoes are unknown. Consult your physician if you notice hot lava on your skin.
Some patients on Elation® have felt that they have special insights into political and cultural affairs, develop feelings of deep contempt for opposing views, and come to feel that they are ‘a smarty pants who knows everything and always gets everything right,’ and who can see right through the pathetic arguments of any opponent on any subject. This is of little concern and won’t be noticed. Trust me. And for God’s sake if these symptoms strike don’t call me. I mean it. Don’t call me.
A small number of patients taking Elation® have reported that their eyes have ‘extended’ or ‘jutted’ from their sockets and spun around in opposite directions in the manner of a Warner Bros. cartoon character who has just had his tail stuck into an electric socket by a pesky mouse, chipmunk, tweety bird, or roadrunner. Call your doctor if you can see the phone.
Some patients on Elation® come to think that they are one of the world’s great romancers and can’t go wrong in matters of the heart. They may develop ‘pickup lines’ or a ‘fast patter,’ or certain attitudes such as John Wayne stances, Errol Flynn advances, wall-slouching meant to indicate a deep and soulful spirit, or long ‘smoky’ gazes towards persons of interest. These can be ignored and no doubt will be.
Some patients taking Elation® suffer a condition known as Spontaneous Full Body Skeleton Dissolve, or a related condition, Total Skull Burst. Talk to your health care provider if you feel either of these coming on.
A small number of patients taking Elation® find that when they ‘get steamed’ or ‘hot under the collar,’ they exhibit direct visible manifestations, such as super-heated vapor blowing out from their ears and nostrils, or the top of their heads lifting off. These symptoms may be accompanied by a sound similar to a factory or riverboat whistle or the horn of a tugboat. These symptoms are safe to ignore and in fact your friends may appreciate the ‘early warning system’ they provide.
If you find that you can only walk using the chess moves of a knight or bishop, or can advance only one step at a time like a pawn except for your first move when it is allowable to move two steps, get in touch with your health care provider. Try to map out your route, it’s going to be complicated.
Dancing fits, impossible bets on how low you can go in limbo, or the conviction that nobody can do the boogaloo, the shimmy, the mashed potato, the alligator, the shing-a-ling, or the watusi like you do, must be addressed immediately by a health professional.
