Does Anyone Know Exactly How Wasps Made the Team?
Hornets, wasps, and yellowjackets, it is said by some, get a bad rap all out of proportion to the system-wide good they bring to the well-being of Mother Nature, and thus of our shared humanity as well.
No, not really.
I personally don’t know anyone who says this.
And if by chance someone did say this at a vulnerable time of youth, they probably wish by now that they hadn’t.
We are a country riven by many a discordant issue but I have to say it is a relief that we can unite behind our dislike of the hornet, or wasp, or that particular variety of embodied spite known around here as the yellowjacket.
You do not ever hear people say while reminiscing, “Ah, the wasps that summer on the Riviera; they were magnificent! You had to be there to appreciate it though.”
You do not find people clustered in seaside towns breathlessly awaiting the return of the yellowjackets, nor do spotters trace their path on their annual migration, if that is what wasps do.
The general feeling is that if yellowjackets annually migrate from somewhere else then they really ought to stay there this time.
You do not get the feeling that the entomologist who specializes in wasps does so out of a natural affection but because he was out of the room when the professor was handing out specialties.
When we hear of a man or woman of a waspish disposition we steer clear, and would steer even more clear if we heard that they were yellowjacketish.
In the various animal taxonomies that have been devised through the centuries, perhaps the one that serves us best in this case is the four-way division between:
Cool Animals
Friendly Animals
Animals We Can Take or Leave, and
Animals That Just Plain Make Us Mad.
In the first category we gather together the leopard, the dolphin, the lion, the gazelle, and any species that achieves a high status through speed, strength, or looking good, even assured, in most candid photographs. These are the supermodels of the animal kingdom. These are qualities that cannot be faked and they put the subjects at the top of the totem pole.
The next category includes most dogs, elephants at the zoo, horses, giraffes, tame goats, cows, rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, and the like, in short, any animal that is prepared to meet you halfway between the species and arrive at some sort of relationship.
It is apparently a question that will go unsatisfactorily unanswered for eternity as to where cats fit into this scheme.
It perhaps relies on your personal store of gullibility. Do con men regularly relieve you of your life savings? Did you give your last car away to the grifter you met at the truck stop as the carnival pulled into town? Then you may be exactly the type of person to establish a fruitful, if one-sided, relationship with a cat.
I will say only, trust no animal that used to be worshiped by entire ancient societies and grew rather used to it. The world has changed, my furry friend, the world has changed! We all must adapt!
The third category contains most animals in the world.
They fly, hunt, swim, waddle, charge, zip along, dive, crawl, and undulate along the surface of sandy soil, but they do so without bothering you in the least.
It is a live and let live situation; while you cannot speak to the character of the Aldabra Giant Tortoise, the Banded Palm Civit, or the Dingo, Dodo, or Doormouse, and wouldn’t feel comfortable being used by one of them as a reference, this by no means indicates that you do not wish them well, only that your acquaintance with them and their habits is small.
Your feeling towards them is otherwise perfectly benign; you have your job to do and they have theirs, and nothing indicates that they are falling down on the job in the least.
Whatever it is that giant tortoises, civits, dingos, dodos, and doormice do all day long, you have heard no specific complaints about how they go about it. As regards this category there is a general feeling of satisfaction mixed with indifference, and all in all the scheme seems to help keep the world going round.
In the last category, Animals That Just Plain Make Us Mad, there is no need to set aside reams of blank pages in order to list them all. There is only one, and that is the hornet, wasp, or as I say, yellowjacket.
It is an irritant to most right-thinking people that these little scraps of stinging evil even exist.
We have all been told that there is a great unity to nature and each small element within it plays its part, but it is beyond me to imagine what part exactly the hornet thinks it is playing.
It hides behind this so-called Great Circle of Life, and goes about its main occupation of stinging unarmed men working in the yard with something close to abandon.
What it hopes to accomplish by this is unclear to the ordinary civilian and it is to be suspected that it is unclear to the scientist as well.
I cannot believe that in running around the back yard hollering and holding my stung arm that I am somehow disbursing seeds, food sources, or beneficial microscopic animals to other parts of the yard. My motions are far too unpredictable for that. In fact, on many an occasion, I have simply stood in the same spot jumping up and down in anger and in pain.
Tell me how that advances The Great March of Life.
No, it is to be suspected that the yellowjacket stings perfectly harmless human beings because it wants to.
This, you see, is how it gets its kicks. Its thrills, if you will.
It gets a charge out of imparting such an impact to a being so much larger than it is, and intends to make the most of the situation as long as it can keep up the stinging action.
If there is some sort of purpose to these sharp nips and needle-like stabs, something in the seed-dispersion or microbe-scattering line of business, it is hard to feel that there is not another species waiting in line who could do it better.
This understudy species – it could be a bug or a bird or a smallish animal – would overall have a more cooperative approach to its dealings with the other sectors of organic life.
If it saw a man walk by carrying, say, a rake, who obviously means no harm and is off about some business of his own, it would simply wait till he passes by, perhaps even giving a cheery buzz, tweet, or whirring sound in greeting.
“What’s the point of conflict?” is the question ever on the lips or bill or mouth-like chewing organ of this cheerful backyard neighbor, “There is room here for all. We all want the same thing here: a nice back yard!”
Now that is an animal that I would welcome with open arms, and happily see the wasp, hornet, or yellowjacket replaced.
They do not seem like happy animals, these yellowjackets and their close kin. You can always tell, as you may with people, just by the way they interact with the world around them.
Nor are they what anyone would call well-adjusted.
They seem instead as if they were burdened with a resentful air, and were bitter somehow. They seethe, and rage, and seem to have all sorts of ill-will sloshing around inside of their subconscious, thought it would be a mistake to say that they were repressing their anger, things would be better if they did. Repress it I mean.
No, they just seem every moment of the day to be in a state of high irritation, ever on their last nerve, and happy to put their dissatisfaction into action.
So when the charming young people come around seeking donations for the preservation of this or that endangered animal, I am happy to reward their energy. But I can’t help telling them that if they ever get into the business of eliminating a certain stinging insect, they can expect twice the contribution from me.
